When you first apply to an adoption agency, and get the subsequent stack of paperwork, sometimes adoption feels like this.
You know your child is out there. You know that how quickly you get to him depends largely on you- and largely on circumstances beyond your control. So you just start to tear through it. And you hope that at some point you’ll see light at the end of the tunnel. Well, we’ve just spotted that light.
We got a call yesterday letting us know that we are now on the wait list (a very short one…apparently only one other person wants a boy from 2-4). For those of you who aren’t exactly sure what a “referral” means, it’s basically when you get matched with a child. You get a long anticipated phone call and an email with pictures of the child you’ve been dreaming of. The complete dossier (home study included) is now with our agency and everything looks good. Big agency fee has been paid. Now we just wait.
To make things even more exciting, in the past week there have been two referrals given out within a days of each other- both to people in the Uganda program who had been waiting for less than two months for a match. Which made me feel like this…
Things are really moving along now.
I’ll be honest…yesterday, after finding out that we are officially on a waiting list, and after hearing her say that we’d hopefully have a referral by May, I sat on the end of my bed and cried. It’s happening. He’s out there. The days of my life where I haven’t know him…they are coming to an end. I felt much like I did when I found out I was pregnant with Abi and Jacob. Suddenly I knew that in 9 months, my life would never be the same. Same feeling yesterday. I guess for some reason I figured something would go wrong at the last minute with our home study, or with our dossier, or something…but that’s all out of the way now. And it’s freakin crazy.
If I’m that emotional after hearing the words “paper ready,” how in the world am I going to be after getting a referral? Will I need a tranquilizer? Will I have another one of those CALM DOWN GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF moments?
For a while there, when I was bogged down in paperwork, or just waiting for that @#$@# home study to be submitted, I kind of stopped dreaming about him. I just wanted to take one day at a time, and not think about the fact that I still wasn’t ready for a referral.Now that we are, the dreams are flooding back. What will he look like? What will his voice sound like? Will he be quiet or loud, outgoing or shy? Then I sit there and think about his circumstances, which inevitably leads to prayer and a lot of thoughtfulness. I know that once we get the referral waiting will be a LOT harder, and Rich tells me just to enjoy the anticipation of seeing his face for the first time. But man, I just want that referral. I just want a name, and I want some big brown eyes to stare into.
Patience. Is. Not. My. Strong. Point.