Trusting in love.

First of all, thank you to all of you who donated and/or bought a t-shirt! We made $151 off of t-shirt sales alone!  That’s not including some of the donations we received! Thank you SO much!  Also, quick update- we have been on the wait list for 6 weeks and a day. Not that I’m counting.

Good news is, we’re probably really close.  The last few Uganda referrals have taken about 6 weeks and some change, so I’m hoping that this week we’ll get the call.  But you never really know with adoption.  Waiting is the name of the game.  Just because the last few referrals have been under two months doesn’t necessarily have any bearing on my wait time, although it’s doubtful that it’ll drag out for months and months given that we’re #1 on the wait list.  At this point, though, I’ve stopped expecting the call every day. I mean, I still sometimes calculate what time it is in Colorado, but overall, I’m not taking my phone with me everywhere I go.

Without going into details, we’ve kind of had a rough couple of weeks, and I could really use some good news this week.  I’m talking to you, God.  Not that you don’t already know that.

I’ve started using an online private diary site called Penzu.  I’ve been wanting to chronicle our adoption journey, and how I feel during different steps of the process (in detail, not like I do on the blog).  Doing it online is a lot easier, given how fast I can type. It’s been a nice form of therapy and it’s been nice to write some journal entries just for our boy.  I might not have a typical “birth story” to tell him, but I still have a story to tell, and it’s all his. Uniquely his.  Our journey to get him has been challenging, and I know the really challenging part hasn’t even started yet.  I do think adoption is harder than a pregnancy, for a lot of reasons, but I think the hardest reason is this: at the end of a pregnancy, you know that the baby you’re carrying and dreaming about will be yours.  No one will question it, no one will require any signed documents, or government clearance. With no questions asked, you are the mother, and you have every right to walk out those hospital doors with that baby in your arms.  With adoption, you do a lot of paperwork, you pass a lot of “tests,” you wait for unspecified periods of time (at least with a pregnancy you know you have 9 months), and once you get that referral, you fall in love with a child that is not yours yet.  At that point, you have no choice but to dance to the tune of whoever or whatever is capable of making you the parent of that child.  In the end, you pray it all works out, and that the child who’s referral picture you’ve had sitting on your mantel for months will eventually walk into your house and call you “mama.”   Before that, you dream. Even before the referral you dream.  You prepare a room. You read about the culture and try to learn the language. You stare at pictures of children and wonder if he’ll look like that. You emotionally invest yourself long before you get that picture and you get on that flight; but yet you still have no control over the outcome.  It’s hard having no control over when you see his face, or when you get to legally adopt, but at the same time I think it’s good.  It’s just life. You can’t always control things.  Even pregnancies don’t give you total control.  I sit there and sometimes I stress about the fact that so much of this is out of my hands, but then I think- when has life ever been in my hands?  Thank God it’s not in my hands. If it were, there’s no telling how messed up my life would be. “God is love.”  1 John 4:8.  Therefore I’ll let Love control and direct my path.  Until then I’ll sign all the necessary papers, and distract myself as I wait for the call. There’s not much else I can do but trust in Love. Because Love Never Fails.

love

“Love will hold us together; build us a shelter to weather the storm. And I’ll be my brother’s keeper; so the whole world will know that we’re not alone.”

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